Thematic Prose
Wedding Crashers: Introduction. From a comically grim-dark adventure written to demonstrate long-form description and tone.
Wedding Crashers: Introduction Excerpt
Boom! The crash of thunder strikes as an icy rain begins to fall. The acolytes scurry about and open up canvas-lined parasols to shield themselves from the downpour as they go about their duties.
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“Oh, just my luck!" Pasha bemoans, "It’ll probably rain tomorrow, too! Let’s head inside. Father Tibalt will want to meet you before we get started with the rehearsal.”
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Despite its tall vaulted ceilings, the church interior is considerably warmer. As an acolyte climbs a small ladder to light the upper sconces, the thick haze of incense lends them a glowing dreamlike aura. The lights dance off the gold and blue metallic trim adorning the central altar and gilded candelabras; lending an air of opulence and authority. Justice pays well, it would seem. ​
Beyond the columns of the central nave, four statues of Tyr stand in alcoves, two on each side, each in a different pose. One points straight ahead, one holds aloft a hammer, another a scale, and the last a gilded mirror. Between them thick tapestries of gold and royal blue dress the stone walls. Below the tapestries on the left wall two banquet tables overflow with a grilled meats, fruits, and cheeses. Their aromas cut through the incense and remind you of how long its been since you have eaten.
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You are greeted by a short, stout man with a fiery red beard, frumpy blue robes, and an oversized tabard of Tyr that slightly trails the ground between his legs.
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“Tyr’s blessings upon ya. I am acolyte Tib... er, Father Tibalt. It’s a pleasure, Pasha has spoken all day about you.”
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Tibalt is warm and cordial, informs the group he will be conducting the ceremony tomorrow, and greets each player in turn, complimenting them on any deeds Pasha might have told him about. While speaking with the players, the following ill-omens occur that spell misfortune for the acolytes. The players should gradually realize the night is ill-fated, at least for the clueless acolytes, though Father Tibalt ignores or dismisses any warnings as superstitious rot.
Open Umbrellas
"Acolyte Ulver! Unless you are intent on mopping the whole of the floor instead of having dinner, you'll do well to put your parasol away when you come inside. If you're going back out then leave it be by the door!"
"Pardon Ulver, poor lad's been a bit slow since he took a book to the head from a high shelf. Now, where were we?"
Spilled Salt
Aacolyte Darcie has just set a small bowl dangerously close to the edge of one of the rehearsal dinner tables. A player that makes a DC16 Intelligence (Perception) check can warn her if they say something right away. Otherwise the bowl, filled with salt, spills its contents everywhere. Darcie goes to the larder to refill it, and is likely never seen alive again.
Cracks & Ladders
Assistant Orin stumbles as he brings in the cake. Allow players to make a Dexterity (Acrobatics) check, though this particular outcome is rigged. The character with the highest result saves the cake, but the cake topper falls to the stone floor; the heads of the bride and groom have broken clean off. Orin complains loudly that his accident was a result of stepping on a crack in the stone floor. Tibalt apologizes, mentions it must be from the tremor two weeks prior, and dooms acolyte Edwin to fetch spare carpets from the undercroft. As he goes, Edwin walks under the ladder acolyte Regis is using to light candles. He bumps it and causes Regis to fall, injuring his ankle, and unable to run from the impending attack.
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Broken Mirror
A bolt shoots past one of the players as a shattering sound echoes throughout the church. Broken glass lies before the now mirror-less statue of Tyr, and acolyte Robbie stands by the entrance, holding a pack with a crossbow attached, clearly stunned. He claims the crossbow just went off, but the owner (a random player) knows they never keep their crossbow loaded. A DC8 Wisdom (Insight) check reveals Robbie is clearly scared and his eyes are pleading.
If told the truth, Father Tibalt reprimands Robbie, but potentially saves his life as he is sent to wake the village the glasscutter for an emergency replacement. If covered for, Robbie is eternally grateful and will assist the players any way he can in the next encounter by bringing them their weapons, or providing cover fire with the same crossbow.
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Ill-Omens
After Tibalt greets the players and the omens have occurred, Father Tibalt has the players assume their places for the rehearsal, midway between the entrance (where their weapons and gear are) and the altar. As it begins, a crash is heard from the side chapel (the ghouls have attacked and are abducting Orin and any acolyte sent below). Though Tibalt assumes that Edwin has simply dropped something else, any player that succeeds a DC12 Wisdom (Perception) check recognizes muffled screams of terror behind the crash and avoids being surprised by the following:
The side chapel door swing open with a bang. Hunched, hairless figures lope into the sanctuary hall from beyond; hissing in contempt of life. Tattered rags hang loosely from their taut azure skin; pointed faces and unnaturally long fingers are covered in smears of bloody crimson and... white cake frosting. Distended tongues dangle from open mouths as their heads whip about; green-glowing eyes quickly spotting you and the other acolytes. As they dart forward, the sanctuary incense is overpowered with the stench of decay and...is that vanilla buttercream?
The wedding crashers have arrived.